Better Dejavu

I dislike taking credit for what isn’t mine, but what happened last weekend deserved a limelight I can’t afford not to write.

Oh, not that 2-day kursus kahwin I was forced to go, no no. That was never a consideration for public record. *erase from memory* Continue reading “Better Dejavu”


Debat Keamanan 2016

“Untuk sidang satu, tempat pertama UiTM. Tempat kedua…UIAM”

That’s all I heard. Words that came soon after just went mute. For a couple of minutes I was in total dismay, trying hard to absorb the surroundings and harder to digest words I just heard. Adie was sitting on my right, while patting my arm he told me “it’s okay” when things were clearly not. Continue reading “Debat Keamanan 2016”


“I’m not gonna sacrifice my one month holiday, ever.”

Phrase I said weeks ago with a firm period at its end. Thought someone might’ve chloroform-ed me, left me unconscious because the last thing I knew, I made daddy booked my return flight tix, hopped on the plane and well, back to UM -_-‘ The least favorite thing to do during holiday. Continue reading “ASTAR ’16”

Gender Debate after a Month: Still Struggling

Truth be told, there’s something about failure that sucks me in and spits me out. Often it erodes away if not all, a little bit of my confidence, preventing me from wanting to try as hard. And the absolute worst thing that I do is voluntarily letting the fear of failure prevent me from continuing on and pushing through my zero-gut membrane.

I don’t have any other example more accurate than my recent loss in the Great Gender Debate. Even after a month, I am still horrified, disturbed and haunted by it. Especially when such loss gave birth to many other encumbrances onto people who matters most to me. Because of me, they are facing humiliation. Because of me, they are swallowing their own pride. I hate my final Gender debate so much that I had never uploaded a single picture of it on Instagram! Okay don’t judge. For someone who even coordinates her IG theme, not to mention custom-made a new dress for the sake of Gender’s finale and bothered her mom to custom-made a 3-tier 916  gold necklace, not uploading a single piece of the mock-cheque on IG is absolutely a big deal.

And for this, I feel sorry for myself. Because of such failure I often struggled with feeling like a victim. One second I am on top of the world and the next second I am sobbing away my victory, sorrowed by loneliness I created on my own- by feeling sorry for myself. And the next second I hit the replay button and there you go, every single moment of Gender’s failure played like a slow-motion movie over and over again until I get lost in my own head. That feeling I tell you…probably worse than what is dealt by the prosecution team charging OJ Simpson.

That’s when I ask myself: is failure convincing enough for me to quit?

Yes if I am loser. Sadly girlfriend, I am not! (Moment of realization hit hard). I rightfully aware that my own perception of failure is what I need to overcome. Failure is never a bad thing, say some. But it’s a blessing that is meant to guide us in the right direction. With failure we are supposed to develop a shield from making the same mistake in the future. With failure we are supposed to cultivate more knowledge to top off the deficiencies in knowledge we already have. Then why still think failing is a bad thing? Why still regard failing as literally the dead-end? Why still making way for failure to sashay in?

I don’t know because at the moment I’m still carried away with feelings but I would love to drop this short note to my future self who might be saner than I am right now. That moment you read what you wrote, Kiasatina, remember that you once had this failure and you’ve successfully overcame your biggest fear!

Dear self, learn that perfection in life is a lie. Digest that failure might be a blow to your ego- but pride is for the peacocks. Swallow that failure is a gift, and without it you won’t ever be successful. Never get carried away with negative feelings created on your own capacity. Gather your misplaced souls and bundled up courage. For failure is never convincing enough for you to quit. JAMAIS!

Words From A 23-Year-Old

Today I am 23 years and 4 days old.

Hello, I did not forget my own birthday but on the actual date I was very, very occupied. All I can do for my birthday was having a quick, good breakfast in Bangsar with Ajai, got my heart touched with some flowers and that’s it. Life ran as usual! Back to juggling assignments and trainings. So much Kate Middleton traits in me.rolleyes

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Birthday ootd (can lah, once in a year only): Top from Mango Suit, Palazzo from Zara, Blackcurrant Duckscarves.

Anyways, you may call me a sombre and sad person. I do actually have the option to fly back home and celebrate my birthday with the fam, receive even more care and boundless love on my most special day…but I chose to stay in uni. When it was mid-semester break. When everyone else’s home. When the nearest semester break is only in January. The sighs can literally go on forever!

Albeit the burnt 10 days, I had something in return. The reason why I did not return home was because I had a debate tournie exactly on my birthday. Choosing to stay in uni is an extremely difficult decision for a homesick fella like me, who can never sail the day without thinking about how nice my house is. But whatever, those are now history. I’m not all alone after all. MORUM family celebrated my pre-birthday what. Although it had to be when I was so selekeh and all, thanks lah.

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And lastly… this.

Took me quite sometimes to digest this losing. But if struggle is the only way to learn, I’m using it as an opportunity for self-love and growth now. Cutting off negative cords from this losing so I can quickly move on with life. My very third final stage for Gender Debate, but the worst! Nailed the ‘Johan Liga’ title but crowned only forth place when it comes to final. Guess this is the utmost priceless birthday present given straightly from God; strength. I’ve felt like this before and I’ll get past it again. After all, we’re never given more than we can handle.

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But…omg, cry a bucket crycrycrycrycrycrycry


Debat Kehakiman 2015

When I was still a budding freshman, a super-senior shared his dream to represent our law school in Debat Kehakiman. Too sad for him the organizer KIV-ed the competition for some unknown reason when he was all set to roar. In the end, that poor guy graduated without achieving his final dream as a law student (or maybe ranked second considering passing CPC exam is wayyy more important). Bet by any means you’d have guessed Azzairi is the poor sunbae, no? Such an extended friendship radius I have eek Continue reading “Debat Kehakiman 2015”

Royale Debate 2015

I watched Pitch Perfect 2 two days ago and when Chloe said ‘Bella is my life’ I can totally relate to mine; MORUM is my life. What a nerd lah to say that but as much as I constantly deny this obvious truth, the emotional jerk kicks in even harder. Or maybe I can blame my post-debate withdrawal syndrome, you know, I am not usually this sentimental. Come on!

So I just got back from UMP after nearly six days surviving life with no sashimi. (But nasi kukus Mama was an ultimate bomb!). I went there for the ‘World Cup in Uni Debate Arena’, The Royale Debate (aka Debat DiRaja). Continue reading “Royale Debate 2015”

New Champ

2012. This was three years ago, captured when I was still an infant in national debating arena. When I firstly indulged into this world of serious critical thinking, creativity in playing with words, the skills to lie divert a truth. Back then it was me and my usual teammates, whom one of them is now undergoing pupilage period, snatching away the Champ title after a long drought of winning nothing in ASTAR debate.

Continue reading “New Champ”

While You Are Enjoying Your Holiday…

Oh hello there, didn’t notice your presence, if you may excuse me for a second..*closing Youtube tab playing Hozier’s for a lil while. Oh yes speaking of multi-tasking I am taking this ability of mine to the next level, quite impressed with my own self right now haha! Handling juniors in a debate tourney they are still undergoing, goofing around with them media people….umm don’t make me start the listing, skip! I may look good, or at least presentable in your eyes. Hmm hmm it’s really the natural beauty shining through.. *slowly hiding my Swiftie’s MAC RubyWoo and the Holy Grail Laura Mercier’s Silk Creme foundation…

Continue reading “While You Are Enjoying Your Holiday…”


I reached KL from UTP approximately at 9pm last night, been MIA in this hustle bustle city cos I am in charge of escorting my fellow juniors to UTP. They were on the run to be crowned CDM Debate 3.0’s champ. So yeah the very least I can do after a fortnight of depriving their sleeps is to ensure myself is physically present while they are battling.

Of course I have no complaints when it comes to my weekend being throbbed away just like that. I mean, the only days when I am actually able to wander around doing café hopping, window shopping but ended up max-ing my cash, hitting the cinemas even to watch movies I dislike, pampering self at the spa… really dude, pas de problème… NOT! To sadden it even further, Naily backflipped me as she went back to Klang on the same day I dozed off to UTP so I have no one to lepak with while I was in a town quite alien to me. Why lah I have rude people best friending me, hish!

Continue reading “Transformation”