“Untuk sidang satu, tempat pertama UiTM. Tempat kedua…UIAM”
That’s all I heard. Words that came soon after just went mute. For a couple of minutes I was in total dismay, trying hard to absorb the surroundings and harder to digest words I just heard. Adie was sitting on my right, while patting my arm he told me “it’s okay” when things were clearly not.
Yes, not going to final is not okay.
Yes, losing in the semi-final is not okay.
And soon after that they announced Sidang Dua’s result where UM team (Azri’s team) had their battle in the semi-final. Negative as well. The next thing I know the sorrow shifted from ‘me’ to ‘we’.
That happened three sleeps ago and still, impossible for me to overthrow it. I prefer to keep my participation in any debate tournament, a secret. Only parents and people who have close proximity with me will have such knowledge. I dislike revealing too early and personally prefer people to know what I’ve been up to once I hold the mock cheque and trophy, on Instagram. But this time such things, I can no longer do. I have no physical prove to show you. Semi final means neither trophy nor mock cheque for me. Only broken dreams and prolonged agony.
For the time being allow me sunk in this grieve. Just like what Ajai told us, this is our right. But please don’t remind me to feel regretful on my burnt three-weeks when others are savoring around. Debate is my ‘sport’ and when I get into my sport I am conditionally aware of the risk so regret is not my noun. Debate is subjective. No glory is permanent and no agony is meant to stay forever. As for the poignancy, I know I can get over it one day but today, is just not the day.