Gender Debate after a Month: Still Struggling

Truth be told, there’s something about failure that sucks me in and spits me out. Often it erodes away if not all, a little bit of my confidence, preventing me from wanting to try as hard. And the absolute worst thing that I do is voluntarily letting the fear of failure prevent me from continuing on and pushing through my zero-gut membrane.

I don’t have any other example more accurate than my recent loss in the Great Gender Debate. Even after a month, I am still horrified, disturbed and haunted by it. Especially when such loss gave birth to many other encumbrances onto people who matters most to me. Because of me, they are facing humiliation. Because of me, they are swallowing their own pride. I hate my final Gender debate so much that I had never uploaded a single picture of it on Instagram! Okay don’t judge. For someone who even coordinates her IG theme, not to mention custom-made a new dress for the sake of Gender’s finale and bothered her mom to custom-made a 3-tier 916  gold necklace, not uploading a single piece of the mock-cheque on IG is absolutely a big deal.

And for this, I feel sorry for myself. Because of such failure I often struggled with feeling like a victim. One second I am on top of the world and the next second I am sobbing away my victory, sorrowed by loneliness I created on my own- by feeling sorry for myself. And the next second I hit the replay button and there you go, every single moment of Gender’s failure played like a slow-motion movie over and over again until I get lost in my own head. That feeling I tell you…probably worse than what is dealt by the prosecution team charging OJ Simpson.

That’s when I ask myself: is failure convincing enough for me to quit?

Yes if I am loser. Sadly girlfriend, I am not! (Moment of realization hit hard). I rightfully aware that my own perception of failure is what I need to overcome. Failure is never a bad thing, say some. But it’s a blessing that is meant to guide us in the right direction. With failure we are supposed to develop a shield from making the same mistake in the future. With failure we are supposed to cultivate more knowledge to top off the deficiencies in knowledge we already have. Then why still think failing is a bad thing? Why still regard failing as literally the dead-end? Why still making way for failure to sashay in?

I don’t know because at the moment I’m still carried away with feelings but I would love to drop this short note to my future self who might be saner than I am right now. That moment you read what you wrote, Kiasatina, remember that you once had this failure and you’ve successfully overcame your biggest fear!

Dear self, learn that perfection in life is a lie. Digest that failure might be a blow to your ego- but pride is for the peacocks. Swallow that failure is a gift, and without it you won’t ever be successful. Never get carried away with negative feelings created on your own capacity. Gather your misplaced souls and bundled up courage. For failure is never convincing enough for you to quit. JAMAIS!

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